Your Honor, I Plead Not Guilty

I don't even know why I'm writing right now. I've just had so much going on in my mind that it felt like it was time to flush some of it out and move on to better things.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm tired. Tired of trying to please everyone on the planet all the time. Tired of caring so much about the way people see me. Tired of being so afraid of accidentally "hurting someones feelings." Tired of being afraid that someone might start another awful rumor that will haunt me till it dies. Tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Tired of looking for the approval that will never come. Tired of pretending.

I've believed a lie for so long that would constantly tell me that I am incapable of being anything other than small and insignificant. That I needed to prove myself to the world. That I needed to make sure that no one misunderstood me. That I needed to be so open with everyone that they couldn't judge my character even if they wanted to. Sounds like a good thing right? Brave. Open. Trust everyone.

But it is a lie. The truth is, not everyone is worthy of trust. And it's when you run into those people that you find out the hard way. Believe it or not, lady, but not everyone cares about your well being. If you wear your heart on your sleeve it will be torn off and destroyed over and over until you decide to defend it.

Well, I'm ready for the fight now.

The guilt of disappointing someone, or hurting someones feelings, or "offending" someone no longer has control over my decisions. I will stand up for my heart even if it means I might make someone upset. I'm tired of being walked on and manipulated by Satan. I chose to be humble for Christ, but Satan came in and lied and said that being "humble" meant I needed to be a doormat too. I needed to sit back and take all the mud and filth off the shoes of everyone I meet for "Christ's sake." It took me until now to realize that it wasn't Christ telling me this but the Devil in disguise.

There is one phrase that still rings in my head since the moment it was said to me 7 years ago.
"You cannot take responsibility for everyone's emotions." It is the battle that I have fought unconsciously my entire life... until now. The blinders are off and I can finally see the little man behind the curtain controlling the whole thing I thought was so wonderful. It was all an illusion.

God told me to be selfless, but he also told me that my body is a temple and that I am to defend it.

No more guilt. No more frustration. No more living the lie. It's time to fight for me.

Music?? Hello 2006 :)

So I decided, after much thought, that even though I haven't recorded anything new in over 4 years and since my last online music page crashed, it was time to make a new one. So after taking the time out of life to create and upload, alas, here it is.

http://www.myspace.com/iworshipchrist

Check it out. Nothing new is up yet but hopefully that will change in the near future. :)

Tata!

Mehalschventisartigarithan!!!! Aw c'mon! Hurry up already!

So recently I have been trying to figure out what to do with my hair. It is at that awkward mid length that I absolutely hate.








At the beginning of this summer I was about to make a huge mistake and just cut it all off again to the cute little A-line hair cut that I had and loved like this...
But that's not what I REALLY want.

I want my long hair back. It would just be so easy to change it all and make it cuter by cutting it, and it would take 5 minutes as oppose to the 5 years its taking to grow my golden locks all back out to my waist. Needless to say my patience is running out.

When I was little (before Jr High) I had hair that was so long I could put it in a pony tail, whip it around, and smack my brother in the face with it without even being that close to him. Which is totally the reason why I'm growing it out again................ not really.


I absolutely LOVE the way it looks and feels. How it wraps around my arms and shoulders as I walk through the wind, or how it trails after me as I swing, how long it takes to wring out after it gets wet, how the bottom of it still falls to the middle of my back even when it is up in a ponytail, how you rarely see someone with hair naturally that long anymore. We all run out of patience.

Maybe this is a result of my prayer for that. Patience, I mean. It's like a test. Can I take it or not. Well I'm up for the challenge. I've made it this far haven't I?

This is how I really want it to look. Totally doable, especially since that's exactly how my hair grows. Straight then wavy at the ends.
The other thing I have been contemplating is the color. I used to have a million colors underneath my blonde hair. I had black underneath with red, purple, brunette, and orange peekaboo colors throughout. So much fun. I have kindof been itching to add some color underneath again to get me through this boring stage, but I haven't totally decided yet.

I have to think with the end in mind.
1) Adding color means one day I'll have to take it out. That is, unless I want to have multi-colored hair till I'm 100.
2) This also means bleach and other icky chemicals that will completely ruin the strength and softness leaving it brittle and constantly frizzy and tangled.
3) There's no other way to get darker colors out of blonde hair.
4) The bleached part will ever even match my natural color again until it grows out. (5 more years?? Yuck)

Hmmm....

I guess the bottom line is, Patience, patience, patience. And lots of vitamins and minerals and good shampoo and conditioner and protein!!! MMM i love protein!!! So I guess I've decided, (over the course of writing this blog) that, indeed, it shall be worth it to wait.

Moving for More than the Sake of Motion

I hate change, but I hate getting caught up in the same-ol'-same-ol' routine even more. It's a pretty vicious cycle. Since the beginning of this year I have slowly stopped doing things that are out of the ordinary when it comes to my daily life. That's just lame.

I get up in the morning, go to work, come home, cook dinner, relax for a few hours, sleep, start over, 5 days a week. Then to end the weekend, I go to Church, hang out with a few friends, clean the apartment, then back to work. This is my comfort zone. This is what I love. I like coming home to the same nice clean house, hanging out and laughing with the same friends, remembering the times we had together doing the same thing years before, etc. Too bad that's not what I really like. Confusing huh?

I love adventure. I love getting my feet off the ground and doing things that most people would be absolutely terrified to do. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I love leaping with faith and trusting that my Father is going to catch me. I love meeting and growing closer to new people and finding out that God has more for me than this little picture I like to call my life.

It's not a fear of dying that keeps me tied to the ground when it comes to facing things that are risky, because I know if I die on earth I will live on with my Savior in Heaven. I'm afraid of losing time. Time in heaven is meaningless. Time on earth is everything. We only have so much time here. It could be till tomorrow, it could be till I'm 80 and have no teeth left. Only God knows.

The big question is, what am I going to DO with the time I have here? I'm pretty sure God didn't want me to be okay with sitting around my whole life.

My earthly body just wants to live in peace without any risk of being uncomfortable, but God asks me to live and to make myself uncomfortable for the sake of Him. Now for some people it's hard to see how climbing a mountain, or riding a roller coaster brings me closer to Him, but it does. I learn to Trust.

If I can trust God to keep me safe when I'm scared to risk my life doing something, I can trust Him to stand by me when I am scared to share my faith with people who may persecute me.


I don't like being comfortable here on earth. This is not my home. I don't want to be okay with hiding away and living for the sake of living, doing the same thing every day, because if there ever comes a time when God says "I want you to trust me on this one." I want to be able to jump in with both feet without a second thought as to whether or not it's going to hurt.

At any moment my time here could be cut short, and my job here on earth could be finished, but we don't really think about that when we're at the grocery store, or talking with friends, or sitting at the coffee house reading our favorite book, cause, what could happen? It's the things that are out of the ordinary and uncomfortable that remind me very well that my life is in God's hands, not mine.

So if something tragic happens, I can trust that it is fully in God's plan. If I find myself alone, I'll immediately realize that I'm not. If someone I dearly love, who loves Him is called home, I know I can keep moving forward because, hey, when I get to heaven, I want to have more stories to tell them right? If I become overwhelmed with anxiety I can trust that God has whatever is stressing me out totally under control.

It's nice to know that I can live, with faith like a child, relying on my Father to take me wherever He knows is best. Why should I ever have to worry?

God is in Control.

Homesick

<sup>Revelation 21:3-5

3</sup>And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ⁴He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." ⁵He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."'

Oh, Hello Mr. Giant Monster! You Don't Scare Me!

I am thoroughly convinced that I will never ever stop learning, and I never want to. It's interesting how through different stages of life you encounter the same thing multiple times, but each time you react totally different than the time before. Part of it has to do with the new knowledge gained from the previous experience, some of it has to do with the support system around you, some of it has to do with your attitude, some of it has to do with what other factors are weighing in to the situation, it goes on and on.

Every now and then you run into a bump in the road that in reality is minuscule, but when it's all you can see, it becomes a mountain that seems impossible to climb. This past month I came upon my mountain, again. "I know how to do this" I thought to myself, remembering the countless times before when I had fought and conquered the battle to the top, but still it doesn't matter how many times I have conquered it before, it's completely overwhelming.

I hate feeling completely hopeless, staring into the face of the monster that I have to fight every time he shows up in my life. It feels so good to know that I have God on my side, with His strong hands on my shoulders and His gentle voice whispering in my ear "I love you, my little girl, you may feel small, but lean on me. I'll help you." Those words give me the confidence to overcome whatever life throws at me.

Thanks, God, for being there and saving me once again. Thanks for the people you put in my life to love me and encourage me through the tough stuff. They truely are blessings from you.

So goodbye monster, I'm sure I'll see you later, but once again I have learned that I have control over you. You don't have control over me.

100 Things I Love About My Husband

1) The way he smiles at me
2) His laugh when he finds something to be absolutely hilarious
3) The way he jumps when something scary happens in a movie
4) How "into it" he gets into everything. He's passionate about being passionate.
5) Having conversations with him in his sleep... priceless
6) His laugh in general
7) His drop dead gorgeous blue eyes
8) The way he does things like dishes and laundry (which he hates) for me as a surprise
9) The way he grills. He makes the BEST steak ever!
10) That he can't fall asleep unless he's touching me
11) The way he searches for me to hold after he's had a bad dream in the middle of the night
12) The way he jumps off the couch and says "Take that sucka face!!!" When he gets way into playing Halo
13) His wonderful back & neck massages
14) The crazy way he drives. Crazy, yes, but he's really good at driving. He could totally be a pro race car driver if he wanted to.
15) The way his hugs make me melt into his arms
16) The way he brushes his teeth with 2 hands
17) That he's not afraid to ask the hard questions ("So what has God been teaching you lately?)
18) How he always walks with his hand behind his back ready to grab my hand and lead me
19) How much more he loves God than me
20) The way he plays guitar with me
21) His forearms after rock climbing. Buff stuff ;)
22) When we go on a hike, how he waits for me and helps me up the harder parts
23) His sense of humor and how he ALWAYS knows how to make me laugh
24) How he somehow always gets me to smile at him even when I'm trying REALLY hard not to
25) The way he looks when he doesn't know I'm watching him
26) How much he loves his jr highers
27) That he genuinely enjoys and gets excited about having deeper conversations about God and the Bible
28) His fancy breakfasts. He makes the best waffles ever. :)
29) The way he wraps presents
30) How excited he gets over things like remote controlled cars & helicopters, hot wheels, etc.
31) The way he does laundry. Darks with lights, overfull, too much soap, shakes everything out rather aggressively before putting it in the dryer. It's just cute.
32) How he totally relaxes and melts whenever I give him a hug
33) The way he pulls me closer when I'm sitting too far away during a movie
34) How he just HAS to knock over things like piles of rocks, snowmen, etc. when he walks by
35) That he calls his female dogs "Bitches"
36) He LOVES horses
37) His facial expression after eating something bitter
38) That he loves sportscars as much as I do
39) That we're both WAY into the same TV shows and get overly excited when something amazing happens
40) The way he encourages me
41) The way he brushes my hair out of my face to look into my eyes
42) How he always looks for ways to make me feel special
43) The way he protects me from the things that hurt
44) The way he still loves me even when I'm PMSing really really bad
45) The way he holds me tight when I'm angry at him until the anger melts away
46) How hard he works to provide for our family
47) His nerdy Jr high pictures. He was stinkin adorable
47) How outspoken he can be sometimes. I love the looks on peoples faces when he says something they weren't expecting

















48) His amazing artistic abilities. He's the greatest jewelry designer EVER
49) His sexy Italian name
50) How he can literally pull off wearing pretty much anything. Even his grandmas christmas sweater
51) How he makes people laugh
52) The way he playfully embarrasses his jr highers till they turn red
53) How he takes care of me when I'm sick
54) The way he hardcore dances to bands he's really into
55) The way he dances with me
56) The way he lets me be myself. Barefooted, bubble blowing, dress twirling, skipping through the grocery store, silly little girlish self :)
57) He always everyday tells me that I'm beautiful
58) He never hangs up the phone with me without saying "I love you"
59) How much he loves my cooking. He would rather have mine than a restaurants. :)
60) His outrageously loud sneezes
61) How cute he makes himself when he really wants something
62) When he calls me his best friend
63) His silliness in general
64) How he genuinely strives to give me the things I've dreamed of having
65) How he begs me for my homemade chocolate chip cookie dough
66) His sound effects
67) How he leans over the counter at the pharmacy and asks the pharmacist "So, who makes more money, you guys, or drug dealers?" Just to see the look on their faces
68) How he always rides and plays on the grocery carts at the store (especially IKEA)
69) His patience
70) How he always listens to me
71) The gratitude he shows me for the things I do for him
72) How he promises to be faithful always and to never ever leave me
73) The way he tears up when a romantic scene in a movie or book reminds him of the special kind of love we have (shhh.. I didn't tell you that)
74) How he randomly finds and picks me cute little flowers
75) That he always wants to hold my hand everywhere
76) The way he loves hearing me sing or play piano
77) How he dreams with me
78) How he just has to kiss me when he sees someone else being kissed
79) When he sneeks into the back room at work to give me a big long hug
80) The way he remembers the little things in life I appreciate
81) The way he teases me
82) The way he looks in a v-neck, American Eagle jeans, and flip flops
83) The way he smells
84) How he knows when I'm scared and pulls me close to save me
85) When he reads my mind (he's getting really good at that)
86) How runs inside and buys me my favorite candy bar when I'm waiting in the car at the gas station
87) How much he loves being with me 24/7
88) How many memories we have together that create endless inside jokes between us
89) How much he loves his family
90) Our random Ice Cream for dinner dates
91) How he tries to look innocent with his mouth stuffed full after stealing a cookie off my plate
92) How he sacrifices his time to be with me even though he'd much rather be doing something else
93) The way he kisses my neck when I'm sleeping
94) The way he plays with my hair
95) The way he runs his finger up my leg and gives me goosebumps
96) Chasing geese in the park with him
97) Laughing till we cry after we fight over something stupid and realize how silly we are being
98) How cute he looks when he gets embarrassed
99) How he makes me feel completely adored every moment of every day
100) How 100 things I love about him isn't nearly enough to describe how wonderful and amazing he really is...

12 Funny Memories

Why 12? I don't know. It just seemed like an appropriate number for the randomness of this post. For all of you who are still getting to know me (which is all of you since only God knows all of me) this is a little bit inside my memory.

1) 1995 - Kindergarden. My best friend Jessi and I stole and ate the meanest girl in the classes lifesaver wintogreen candies and ate them. She came around asking who took them and we said "not I" and giggled quietly to ourselves as she walked away. Why it's funny? Not sure. I think it was more an inside joke than anything :)

2) 2009 - Arden Jewelers. A random hillbilly client (we'll call him Joe) came to sell gold with his dog Blu. He left his dog out in the truck and proceeded to do business with us. The dog suddenly jumps out of the truck and chases a squirrel around the parking lot, which made Joe run outside to chase the dog, which made the squirrel attack Joe. I can still see him running out there full speed, then halting to run the other way, away from the squirrel who had run up his pant leg and was now clinging to the man's hair. It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen. :'D

3) 2005 - Home. My parent's master bathroom is on the second floor just above the family room. Breanna was 5 and she loved taking bubble baths in my parents big fancy tub. You could always tell when she was swimming around in there cause she would bump and kick the bathtub wall which would make noise through the ceiling. Well on this particular day, we were all downstairs except for Mom and Breanna. She was sitting up in the tub splashing around with her arms making lots of noise, when suddenly there came an even louder rumbling noise that rattled the ceiling. We all went silent and said "what was that???" the answer... Breanna had just farted.

4) 2000 - My old neighborhood. My dad had a couple of old cardboard barrels in the garage that he didn't need anymore so he said we could have them to play with. We couldn't decide what to do with them so we thought a long time about what they would be good for. They were big enough for one person to climb inside and hide, but they didn't serve as a very good hiding place cause if you were on any kind of hill it would tip. Then we had it. We found the steepest driveway on our street and carried the barrel to the top. We put one person at the bottom as a lookout for cars, then we each took turns climbing inside and rolling down the hill. The best part was when we got out of the barrel and tried to walk. Us neighborhood kids, I'm sure, looked pretty darn ridiculous.

5) 1998 - Awana. My Awana leader that year was an older lady who had a couple of grandkids who she loved telling us stories about. Today this is how it went: "My grandson loves learning new things at Sunday school. This week he heard the story about Jesus on the cross. I took him to the store with me today. He was being so good and patient waiting for me to finish. We were in the breakfast aisle choosing cereal when all of a sudden, a lady next to us dropped a heavy can of coffee on her foot. 'JESUS CHRIST!!' the lady shouted 'DIED FOR YOUR SIN!!' my grandson yelled back. I almost died laughing at the baffled look on this woman's face. I guess what he learned on Sunday stuck"

6) 1999 - My Aunt & Uncles house. My Uncle is a huge dork whom we all adore. After playing all morning with him we were all getting hungry so we decided to make lunch. Burritos! Everyone was ready to eat except Jessica, who had decided to wait a bit. When she decided it was time, she bounced over to my aunt and asked for lunch. My aunt leaned around the corner and said to my uncle "Lance! Make Jessica a burrito!" so he took one look at my sister, put out his hands like a magician and said "POOF! You're a burrito!!" and that was it.

7) 2004 - The roundabout in Jimmy's Truck. We approached the roundabout. We hit the preset radio button for the Classical Station. We went around the roundabout 16 times in a row blasting Mozart. The end.

8) 2010 - Our Apartment. We were doing research on different phone, internet and tv bundle packages. Comcast seemed to have a pretty good one but we still couldn't figure out all the conditions of the contract. "Try using live chat" Angelo suggested. "It's probably only a robot so if you type the right questions it'll answer them." Sure enough, all the responses i got seemed pre-typed and would send with the right keyword. "We offer Discovery, HBO, and much much more!" Okay, no REAL person would really say that right. So I decided to mess with this robot. "Are you a robot or a real person?"
"I'm a real person"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Why are all of the chat people named Jessica?"
"Just click on the next button when you are ready to proceed"
"Hold on"
"Just click on the next button when you are ready to proceed"
"K thanks robot"
"Okay what do I have to do to convince you that I'm not a robot?"
"Wow you're a good robot. Let's see, quote a line from one of your favorite movies"
"Okay, a life without love is no life at all"
"Oh! I know this one!! its uh..."
"No cheating now! You're probably googleing it."
"Ever After! And how'd you know I googled it?"
"Are you convinced now"
"I guess so. Whoever programmed you was really good"

9) 2010 - Counseling at Wintercamp: Cabin Time. I love my jr high girls. I had a rather hilarious group of girls in my cabin this year and none of them were shy. We were sitting in a circle going around saying our name and something about us. It came to my turn. Angelo and I had been married for just over 9 months at this point, so that's what I shared. When we finished I made sure to let the girls know that if they had any questions this weekend that they could ask me anything. One of the girls then raises her hand. "So can I ask you a 'personal' question?" "Sure!" I said. "So have you and your husband... you know... done 'it' yet?"

10) 2006 - Raley's. I used to work at a grocery store bagging groceries. It was a pretty fun job. It's interesting what you learn about people based on what they buy (yes, we look. We have eyes you know.) You could always tell why a lady is buying cat food, baby formula, and cough syrup. She obviously has a cat, a baby, and someone with a cough. Like I said, you can tell a lot about a person by what they buy. One night I was working and was ready to bag whatever came down the conveyor when I met the most memorable customer of them all. Miss ex-lax, prune juice, and toilet paper.

11) 2010 - Family dinner w/ all the Parisi's @ our apartment. We always try to play some sort of game or something to keep us entertained. So we chose Apples to Apples. This is how it goes. On each players turn he/she flips over a green "adjective" card face up from the top of the deck. The rest of the players place one red "noun" card each from their hand face down that they think the person whose turn it is will choose. The player on that turn then reads aloud each of the red card options and chooses a favorite. If they choose your card, you win that round.
We played for about an hour going around choosing cards, and laughing at what each person chose. But NONE of them (not even Candice's 'Helen Keller') could beat the last round. It was Angelo's mom's turn. Now a little background, she's quiet, conservative, and never ever ever says anything raunchy, suggestive, or crude. She got the "sensual" card and blushed bright red as she read the word aloud. We all about died laughing cause we had never heard such a word out of her mouth before. We put our cards in... she chose "my body"

12) 2010 - Goofing off on Facebook. I wrote a rap:
Crazy week full of little sleep
we wake in the mornin to brush our teeth,
we work all day, yes sir, yes maam
sell lots of jewelry because we can.
Come home to a dinner of mac n cheese
put a drop on the cat to kill his fleas
run off to the gym, the mall, the in-laws,
get almost killed under Scrambles paws,
play games like nertz and walleyball
drink lots of Red Bull so we wont fall
asleep! Cause we like to talk
till 6 in the mornin when we'll stop
and wonder why were still awake
oh man haha this was great
I hope you enjoyed my silly rap
Oh man *yawn* time for a nap...

Unresolved

It really bothers me when things go unresolved. When I have to go to sleep on my anger, when I don't understand other people's reasoning, when I can't fix a problem in a relationship that should be so simple, or I have to keep living as if nothing is wrong when something is clearly bothering me. I don't pretend very well.
My life question is "Why?" I just want to know. Why did that girl I thought I trusted turn on me in second grade and blurt out to everyone that I had a crush on Brandon Duran? Why did my mom cry that one time when I accidentally walked around the corner and saw her sobbing in my dad's arms when I was 9? Why was it so hard for me to live only seeing my dad on the weekends for those months when he worked in Northern California so we could live back home? Why does it hurt so much to know that I am "the girl who took my heart and broke it" some boys talk about? Why did my relationship with my brother and sister-in-law become so distant? Why is the thought of being by myself so terrifying sometimes? Why did my dream last night give me the ability to do what I was dreaming about better the next day? Why do I become so paranoid about all the diseases I could get? Why is the thought of not thinking anymore so scary? Why can't I get this chicken recipe to turn out right?... okay maybe the last one isn't such a big deal, but you get the picture.
I let it all go and give it to God, but I still can't help but wonder what the answer is. I always want to know the answer. By the time I get to heaven I'm going to have so many questions for God like "God, did I have a brain tumor that was causing that 2 month-long migraine and did you take it away before my MRI appt? Is that why the pain stopped?" or "Did the comfort pack I gave to that homeless man show him God's love? Did he read the Bible I gave him?" or "How does Chris Angel do it God?? I can't figure it out!" I won't know until I get there I suppose.
But all the things that I have the ability to know know I won't stop searching for the answers until I find them.
The biggest question I wish I knew the answer to is "Did they understand that I didn't mean to hurt them when I said...?"


I hope so.

Twitterpation

What's the matter with them? Why are they acting that way?

Why, don't you know? They're twitterpated.

Twitterpated?

Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You're walking along, minding your own business. You're looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head's in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you're walking on air. And then you know what? You're knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!

:) And that's how I feel about Angelo :) <3 :)

Marriage: Year Two

So somebody, (I don't remember who), but somebody said that the second year of marriage is the year that determines how the rest of your marriage is going to be. Heaven or hell.

You've already lived with each other for a year and you know what makes your spouse happy, sad, excited, frustrated, angry, hurt, etc.
Your discretion has gone out the window and you end up saying exactly whats on your mind so he/she KNOWS what made you feel this way, and you want to make sure they KNOW so they don't do that again. Most girls whine, complain, get more upset than usual, are very emotional about little things and so on. It's almost like a yearlong PMS.

I've found that I've caught myself every now and then falling into this overreactive "omg, you should know better" attitude. Sometimes it just bugs me (more than it should) when he doesn't know where the tupperware goes and I tell him "You KNOW where it goes" rather than sweetly help him put it away.
Or we both had a long day at work, and he's being short with me, and I forget that, it's okay, he's just tired and I need to give him some grace, and not give him a bad time about accidentally saying something kind of harsh.

When I feel compelled to comment on little things or get upset cause "we've had this conversation before. I've told you once, weren't you listening?" it never turns out well. I always end up beating myself up as I think, "why did I say that? That wasn't very nice Jenn. He's your husband. Love, cherish, respect... remember?"

The thing is, I know him, and he NEVER EVER says or does anything ever to intentionally hurt me or make me feel bad. So, I know that this isn't his intention, it's just his reation to whatever else is frustrating him. I just remember that and I have no reason to be upset. And if I'm not upset. He's not upset. As my mother told me many times "It takes two to fight"

I've also learned that when I criticize him for doing things wrong, it doesn't make him want to do it for me better. It makes him not want to do it at all for fear of messing it up and getting himself in "trouble".
Instead I've been practicing encouraging, thanking and praising him for all the wonderful things he does for me every day. Whether it's helping me do the dishes, taking out the trash, taking me out to lunch or on an adventure, or spending time with me in general. I make sure to let him know how grateful I am for that. I don't want to get out of that habit just because I think "oh, it's okay, he already knows" Sure, he knows, but it only makes him feel better to hear me tell him. :)

He tells me he LOVES doing these things for me and with me and I think it's partially because of my attitude. If I was grumpy or critical about how "that's not how I do it" all the time, we would spend a lot more time fighting and a lot less time enjoying each others company.

I LOVE the way he accidentally puts my sweaters in the dryer and they accidentally come out shrunk because he didn't know. It makes me laugh. It just means that he really does need me to help him do laundry. He NEEDS me. That is such a good feeling; to be needed and wanted by the man of my dreams. And so what if my sweaters are a little short, that's what undershirts are made for. :)

Year two I think is going to be better than year one. No more getting stuck in the grumpys for Jenn. I vow to hold my tounge and to keep my attitude positive.


We went on our first camping trip together in Tahoe last weekend. We spent the whole weekend enjoying every minute and even though we were running late to claim a camping spot, we put the tent up wrong the first time, we forgot to pack pillows, our air mattress went flat, we were covered in dust, and lacking sleep, we didn't get upset with each other even once. All we could do was laugh about it.

We woke up extra early to watch the sunrise together. It was amazing.


"Hello sun. Welcome to year two. This, is going to be the best year of my life"

Okay, on the count of three. One, two... wait! hold on

Today I wish I was braver. There are those days when I would love to just stay in my shell and never ever come out. Too bad that's no way to live. I wish I could always climb without the fear of falling, I wish I could drive without the fear of crashing, I wish I could try new foods without the fear of barfing, I wish I could ride without the fear of the roller coaster coming off the tracks, I wish I could walk up to people I barely know and know exactly what to say, I wish I could say what's on my mind without being misunderstood. Today is one of those days when I doubt myself.

I've been braver in the past. Maybe I'm just comparing my bravery now to then. Then, I would jump without looking and not even care if it scared me at all. I think I overthink it now.

It seems like I've begun to be slightly more pessimistic lately when it comes to doing things that I'm scared to. I become stubborn and unwilling to try it and in turn make people upset or let down because they know I could have handled it.

True, I probably could, and I have before, but why now am I so unwilling to do these things again? It doesn't make sense and it's pretty annoying on those days when I don't feel like doing anything that anyone, including myself, wants me to do.

Maybe it's pure exhaustion, or the lack of need to do things to impress my peers, or maybe it's the fact that I think it's not worth risking physical or emotional pain, or I keep playing the worst that could happen over and over in my head until I'm too scared to try.

When I have an answer I'll probably write about it as always, until then, this is my musing of today.

Excellent Notion

Ah! I've had an apostrophe! I think I've finally figured it out. The reasons why I hate getting behind on housework and such.

It's not so much that it really bothers me having laundry everywhere and dishes piling up because we're too busy having fun, it's more that I know that eventually I'm going to have to do it and spend more time than I want to away from my husband. Sounds silly I know, being with him almost every hour of every day. I just hate knowing that "Tonight, I will go home and have to work some more instead of relaxing finally with my husband after a long day."

A woman's work is never done they say. I get separation anxiety when he's on the couch and I'm in the kitchen. I want to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie or read with him next to me or take naps without stressing that "I shouldn't be doing this right now, I have work to do." That's just dumb.

I wish that I could just magically have everything all finished so that all my time is free to be with just him not have to hang out with Tide, Snuggle, Mr. Clean, Scrubbing Bubbles, Hoover, and Cascade instead. They all make terrible after dinner dates and we always get in fights and I get angry at them all every time.

Yeah, I know, grow up Jennifer. You'll have to learn to clean the house well sometime. It's clean but not as clean as your mom's house and that bugs you.

Well too bad. All I've got to say is I have priorities, and sorry Mr. Clean but I'm dumping you for Mr. Parisi. Maybe we'll hang out on occasion but until then you can chill in my cupboard until I can fit you in my schedule.

No plans???

The past few months Angelo and I have hardly been home due to our addiction of adventures. We're always doing something whether its hanging out with our families, riding bikes, rock climbing, catching up with old friends, babysitting, volunteering at church, etc. All of which is a BLAST and we absolutely love it, but it can be so exhausting.
This is the first night in 3 weeks that nothing is planned. I'm really excited to be able to go home and clean my apartment, do laundry, read a book, give my cat a bath and maybe watch a movie with my husband and popcorn before bed. Half of what I'm doing tonight is work and I don't know why I'm so excited. I know that most of the time I procrastinate as long as possible trying to avoid doing any of these things, but when you have a limited home life it's really nice to have a taste of what a relaxing life at home it could be.
Angelo calls it "the college lifestyle" going to work then playing all night, leaving all of the dishes and laundry to clean themselves (which by the way never happens the way it does on the Disney movies *darnit*) too bad. That'd be real nice.

Salutations

Hello Blog. Its nice to meet you. We should hang out sometime.