Word Vomit

I feel like I'm back at school. I'm the kid slouching in my chair with my head in my hands watching and waiting for the clock to hit 3:15 so I can go home. The second hand seems to move so slow that it looks like it almost isn't even moving at all. And I'm stuck. I'm stuck at my desk until the bell rings. I can't hardly hear my teacher anymore, she sounds like a muffled voice that can't get through the cloud that has suddenly appeared in the classroom. The cloud that the paper airplanes are flying through over my head. My eyelids get heavy, and my own breathing and heartbeat are all I hear... the clock stops ticking.

But all of this is in my head. The reality is that time is still moving, that things are still happening, that life is not just waiting until the bell rings.

But sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

It's hard looking at houses and yet knowing that if we find one we love, the likelihood of it still being there when we get the loan is slim. So time stands still. It kind of feels like I'm pretending to be the person who is buying a house when I'm not yet, kind of like the girl who tries on wedding dresses before she's even engaged, its just dress up.
I can find the one that fits, but I know that it may not still be there when it's my turn to actually buy. So it's a roller coaster of looking. The reality is, it may be our turn, we just don't know it yet for sure. And that uncertainty is exciting and frustrating at the same time.

And the crazy part is... this has been my life for the past 3 years.

Excuse me, I'd like to get off the ride so I can throw up now.

Will this waiting ever end?

It seems like the number of hoops to jump through to try and make this whole house thing happen is growing.
First, we had to wait until our tax numbers were in to see what we would qualify for, second, we find out that we can't get those numbers until mid-end of Jan so we are left to wait, third, we then find out that we must pay off all debt (school loans and our car) to qualify for a number that is worth our while, then, we have to have a zero balance on our credit cards for 60 days to keep our debt to income ratio as low as possible.
Good grief. Who ever thought that getting a home loan would be so difficult?? Oh yeah, I did. We've been through this all before so really, I shouldn't be surprised. But alas here we are shocked and annoyed once again at the ridiculousness that we must go through for the hope of owning a home.
Now it's not all bad, getting completely out of debt before we jump into the biggest purchase of our marriage seems smart, and we may be glad that we did in the long run, but right now it's annoying that it has caused the time frame to move once again.

Three more months, at least, of waiting until we can find out if this will work again. I swore I would never put myself through this emotional roller coaster again, but I guess God has other plans.

So here we are. I'm still hopeful, but it's hard to know that once again we are waiting. Will this waiting ever end?

Only God knows.

Oh good day 2012. Pleased to make your aquantance.

I took Christmas down yesterday. Our apartment which once smelled of pine, had glittering lights and blue and silver that decked the walls is now feeling a little bit barer.

Although it makes me sad putting Christmas in boxes and saying goodbye for 340 more days, it feels refreshing to have my apartment clean once again after the craziness of the holidays.

This year we attended 17 different holiday events over the course of a month and a half. It was crazy, but oh so fun. We literally had something fun to look forward to every other day. And now, it's weird having extra time to do things like make banana bread and have dinner with friends.
I'm glad I'm back to listening to Mackentosh Braun and Disturbed after hearing the Kutless Christmas album 100 times in a row. I'm glad that my apartment smells like clean linen instead of holly spice when I walk through the front door and take a whiff. I'm glad that the crazy season at work is finished and that I can be home from work earlier. I'm glad that the sun is slowly staying up later so that its not super dark when I get off from work.

Anyways, overall, I love Christmas, but I love the rest of the year too. Ready for 2012. :)