Word Vomit

I feel like I'm back at school. I'm the kid slouching in my chair with my head in my hands watching and waiting for the clock to hit 3:15 so I can go home. The second hand seems to move so slow that it looks like it almost isn't even moving at all. And I'm stuck. I'm stuck at my desk until the bell rings. I can't hardly hear my teacher anymore, she sounds like a muffled voice that can't get through the cloud that has suddenly appeared in the classroom. The cloud that the paper airplanes are flying through over my head. My eyelids get heavy, and my own breathing and heartbeat are all I hear... the clock stops ticking.

But all of this is in my head. The reality is that time is still moving, that things are still happening, that life is not just waiting until the bell rings.

But sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

It's hard looking at houses and yet knowing that if we find one we love, the likelihood of it still being there when we get the loan is slim. So time stands still. It kind of feels like I'm pretending to be the person who is buying a house when I'm not yet, kind of like the girl who tries on wedding dresses before she's even engaged, its just dress up.
I can find the one that fits, but I know that it may not still be there when it's my turn to actually buy. So it's a roller coaster of looking. The reality is, it may be our turn, we just don't know it yet for sure. And that uncertainty is exciting and frustrating at the same time.

And the crazy part is... this has been my life for the past 3 years.

Excuse me, I'd like to get off the ride so I can throw up now.