Okay, on the count of three. One, two... wait! hold on

Today I wish I was braver. There are those days when I would love to just stay in my shell and never ever come out. Too bad that's no way to live. I wish I could always climb without the fear of falling, I wish I could drive without the fear of crashing, I wish I could try new foods without the fear of barfing, I wish I could ride without the fear of the roller coaster coming off the tracks, I wish I could walk up to people I barely know and know exactly what to say, I wish I could say what's on my mind without being misunderstood. Today is one of those days when I doubt myself.

I've been braver in the past. Maybe I'm just comparing my bravery now to then. Then, I would jump without looking and not even care if it scared me at all. I think I overthink it now.

It seems like I've begun to be slightly more pessimistic lately when it comes to doing things that I'm scared to. I become stubborn and unwilling to try it and in turn make people upset or let down because they know I could have handled it.

True, I probably could, and I have before, but why now am I so unwilling to do these things again? It doesn't make sense and it's pretty annoying on those days when I don't feel like doing anything that anyone, including myself, wants me to do.

Maybe it's pure exhaustion, or the lack of need to do things to impress my peers, or maybe it's the fact that I think it's not worth risking physical or emotional pain, or I keep playing the worst that could happen over and over in my head until I'm too scared to try.

When I have an answer I'll probably write about it as always, until then, this is my musing of today.