Wednesday, August 18, 2010

12 Funny Memories

Why 12? I don't know. It just seemed like an appropriate number for the randomness of this post. For all of you who are still getting to know me (which is all of you since only God knows all of me) this is a little bit inside my memory.

1) 1995 - Kindergarden. My best friend Jessi and I stole and ate the meanest girl in the classes lifesaver wintogreen candies and ate them. She came around asking who took them and we said "not I" and giggled quietly to ourselves as she walked away. Why it's funny? Not sure. I think it was more an inside joke than anything :)

2) 2009 - Arden Jewelers. A random hillbilly client (we'll call him Joe) came to sell gold with his dog Blu. He left his dog out in the truck and proceeded to do business with us. The dog suddenly jumps out of the truck and chases a squirrel around the parking lot, which made Joe run outside to chase the dog, which made the squirrel attack Joe. I can still see him running out there full speed, then halting to run the other way, away from the squirrel who had run up his pant leg and was now clinging to the man's hair. It was one of the funniest things I had ever seen. :'D

3) 2005 - Home. My parent's master bathroom is on the second floor just above the family room. Breanna was 5 and she loved taking bubble baths in my parents big fancy tub. You could always tell when she was swimming around in there cause she would bump and kick the bathtub wall which would make noise through the ceiling. Well on this particular day, we were all downstairs except for Mom and Breanna. She was sitting up in the tub splashing around with her arms making lots of noise, when suddenly there came an even louder rumbling noise that rattled the ceiling. We all went silent and said "what was that???" the answer... Breanna had just farted.

4) 2000 - My old neighborhood. My dad had a couple of old cardboard barrels in the garage that he didn't need anymore so he said we could have them to play with. We couldn't decide what to do with them so we thought a long time about what they would be good for. They were big enough for one person to climb inside and hide, but they didn't serve as a very good hiding place cause if you were on any kind of hill it would tip. Then we had it. We found the steepest driveway on our street and carried the barrel to the top. We put one person at the bottom as a lookout for cars, then we each took turns climbing inside and rolling down the hill. The best part was when we got out of the barrel and tried to walk. Us neighborhood kids, I'm sure, looked pretty darn ridiculous.

5) 1998 - Awana. My Awana leader that year was an older lady who had a couple of grandkids who she loved telling us stories about. Today this is how it went: "My grandson loves learning new things at Sunday school. This week he heard the story about Jesus on the cross. I took him to the store with me today. He was being so good and patient waiting for me to finish. We were in the breakfast aisle choosing cereal when all of a sudden, a lady next to us dropped a heavy can of coffee on her foot. 'JESUS CHRIST!!' the lady shouted 'DIED FOR YOUR SIN!!' my grandson yelled back. I almost died laughing at the baffled look on this woman's face. I guess what he learned on Sunday stuck"

6) 1999 - My Aunt & Uncles house. My Uncle is a huge dork whom we all adore. After playing all morning with him we were all getting hungry so we decided to make lunch. Burritos! Everyone was ready to eat except Jessica, who had decided to wait a bit. When she decided it was time, she bounced over to my aunt and asked for lunch. My aunt leaned around the corner and said to my uncle "Lance! Make Jessica a burrito!" so he took one look at my sister, put out his hands like a magician and said "POOF! You're a burrito!!" and that was it.

7) 2004 - The roundabout in Jimmy's Truck. We approached the roundabout. We hit the preset radio button for the Classical Station. We went around the roundabout 16 times in a row blasting Mozart. The end.

8) 2010 - Our Apartment. We were doing research on different phone, internet and tv bundle packages. Comcast seemed to have a pretty good one but we still couldn't figure out all the conditions of the contract. "Try using live chat" Angelo suggested. "It's probably only a robot so if you type the right questions it'll answer them." Sure enough, all the responses i got seemed pre-typed and would send with the right keyword. "We offer Discovery, HBO, and much much more!" Okay, no REAL person would really say that right. So I decided to mess with this robot. "Are you a robot or a real person?"
"I'm a real person"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes"
"Why are all of the chat people named Jessica?"
"Just click on the next button when you are ready to proceed"
"Hold on"
"Just click on the next button when you are ready to proceed"
"K thanks robot"
"Okay what do I have to do to convince you that I'm not a robot?"
"Wow you're a good robot. Let's see, quote a line from one of your favorite movies"
"Okay, a life without love is no life at all"
"Oh! I know this one!! its uh..."
"No cheating now! You're probably googleing it."
"Ever After! And how'd you know I googled it?"
"Are you convinced now"
"I guess so. Whoever programmed you was really good"

9) 2010 - Counseling at Wintercamp: Cabin Time. I love my jr high girls. I had a rather hilarious group of girls in my cabin this year and none of them were shy. We were sitting in a circle going around saying our name and something about us. It came to my turn. Angelo and I had been married for just over 9 months at this point, so that's what I shared. When we finished I made sure to let the girls know that if they had any questions this weekend that they could ask me anything. One of the girls then raises her hand. "So can I ask you a 'personal' question?" "Sure!" I said. "So have you and your husband... you know... done 'it' yet?"

10) 2006 - Raley's. I used to work at a grocery store bagging groceries. It was a pretty fun job. It's interesting what you learn about people based on what they buy (yes, we look. We have eyes you know.) You could always tell why a lady is buying cat food, baby formula, and cough syrup. She obviously has a cat, a baby, and someone with a cough. Like I said, you can tell a lot about a person by what they buy. One night I was working and was ready to bag whatever came down the conveyor when I met the most memorable customer of them all. Miss ex-lax, prune juice, and toilet paper.

11) 2010 - Family dinner w/ all the Parisi's @ our apartment. We always try to play some sort of game or something to keep us entertained. So we chose Apples to Apples. This is how it goes. On each players turn he/she flips over a green "adjective" card face up from the top of the deck. The rest of the players place one red "noun" card each from their hand face down that they think the person whose turn it is will choose. The player on that turn then reads aloud each of the red card options and chooses a favorite. If they choose your card, you win that round.
We played for about an hour going around choosing cards, and laughing at what each person chose. But NONE of them (not even Candice's 'Helen Keller') could beat the last round. It was Angelo's mom's turn. Now a little background, she's quiet, conservative, and never ever ever says anything raunchy, suggestive, or crude. She got the "sensual" card and blushed bright red as she read the word aloud. We all about died laughing cause we had never heard such a word out of her mouth before. We put our cards in... she chose "my body"

12) 2010 - Goofing off on Facebook. I wrote a rap:
Crazy week full of little sleep
we wake in the mornin to brush our teeth,
we work all day, yes sir, yes maam
sell lots of jewelry because we can.
Come home to a dinner of mac n cheese
put a drop on the cat to kill his fleas
run off to the gym, the mall, the in-laws,
get almost killed under Scrambles paws,
play games like nertz and walleyball
drink lots of Red Bull so we wont fall
asleep! Cause we like to talk
till 6 in the mornin when we'll stop
and wonder why were still awake
oh man haha this was great
I hope you enjoyed my silly rap
Oh man *yawn* time for a nap...

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