Okay, on the count of three. One, two... wait! hold on

Today I wish I was braver. There are those days when I would love to just stay in my shell and never ever come out. Too bad that's no way to live. I wish I could always climb without the fear of falling, I wish I could drive without the fear of crashing, I wish I could try new foods without the fear of barfing, I wish I could ride without the fear of the roller coaster coming off the tracks, I wish I could walk up to people I barely know and know exactly what to say, I wish I could say what's on my mind without being misunderstood. Today is one of those days when I doubt myself.

I've been braver in the past. Maybe I'm just comparing my bravery now to then. Then, I would jump without looking and not even care if it scared me at all. I think I overthink it now.

It seems like I've begun to be slightly more pessimistic lately when it comes to doing things that I'm scared to. I become stubborn and unwilling to try it and in turn make people upset or let down because they know I could have handled it.

True, I probably could, and I have before, but why now am I so unwilling to do these things again? It doesn't make sense and it's pretty annoying on those days when I don't feel like doing anything that anyone, including myself, wants me to do.

Maybe it's pure exhaustion, or the lack of need to do things to impress my peers, or maybe it's the fact that I think it's not worth risking physical or emotional pain, or I keep playing the worst that could happen over and over in my head until I'm too scared to try.

When I have an answer I'll probably write about it as always, until then, this is my musing of today.

Excellent Notion

Ah! I've had an apostrophe! I think I've finally figured it out. The reasons why I hate getting behind on housework and such.

It's not so much that it really bothers me having laundry everywhere and dishes piling up because we're too busy having fun, it's more that I know that eventually I'm going to have to do it and spend more time than I want to away from my husband. Sounds silly I know, being with him almost every hour of every day. I just hate knowing that "Tonight, I will go home and have to work some more instead of relaxing finally with my husband after a long day."

A woman's work is never done they say. I get separation anxiety when he's on the couch and I'm in the kitchen. I want to snuggle up on the couch and watch a movie or read with him next to me or take naps without stressing that "I shouldn't be doing this right now, I have work to do." That's just dumb.

I wish that I could just magically have everything all finished so that all my time is free to be with just him not have to hang out with Tide, Snuggle, Mr. Clean, Scrubbing Bubbles, Hoover, and Cascade instead. They all make terrible after dinner dates and we always get in fights and I get angry at them all every time.

Yeah, I know, grow up Jennifer. You'll have to learn to clean the house well sometime. It's clean but not as clean as your mom's house and that bugs you.

Well too bad. All I've got to say is I have priorities, and sorry Mr. Clean but I'm dumping you for Mr. Parisi. Maybe we'll hang out on occasion but until then you can chill in my cupboard until I can fit you in my schedule.