Friday, November 12, 2010

Your Honor, I Plead Not Guilty

I don't even know why I'm writing right now. I've just had so much going on in my mind that it felt like it was time to flush some of it out and move on to better things.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm tired. Tired of trying to please everyone on the planet all the time. Tired of caring so much about the way people see me. Tired of being so afraid of accidentally "hurting someones feelings." Tired of being afraid that someone might start another awful rumor that will haunt me till it dies. Tired of wearing my heart on my sleeve. Tired of looking for the approval that will never come. Tired of pretending.

I've believed a lie for so long that would constantly tell me that I am incapable of being anything other than small and insignificant. That I needed to prove myself to the world. That I needed to make sure that no one misunderstood me. That I needed to be so open with everyone that they couldn't judge my character even if they wanted to. Sounds like a good thing right? Brave. Open. Trust everyone.

But it is a lie. The truth is, not everyone is worthy of trust. And it's when you run into those people that you find out the hard way. Believe it or not, lady, but not everyone cares about your well being. If you wear your heart on your sleeve it will be torn off and destroyed over and over until you decide to defend it.

Well, I'm ready for the fight now.

The guilt of disappointing someone, or hurting someones feelings, or "offending" someone no longer has control over my decisions. I will stand up for my heart even if it means I might make someone upset. I'm tired of being walked on and manipulated by Satan. I chose to be humble for Christ, but Satan came in and lied and said that being "humble" meant I needed to be a doormat too. I needed to sit back and take all the mud and filth off the shoes of everyone I meet for "Christ's sake." It took me until now to realize that it wasn't Christ telling me this but the Devil in disguise.

There is one phrase that still rings in my head since the moment it was said to me 7 years ago.
"You cannot take responsibility for everyone's emotions." It is the battle that I have fought unconsciously my entire life... until now. The blinders are off and I can finally see the little man behind the curtain controlling the whole thing I thought was so wonderful. It was all an illusion.

God told me to be selfless, but he also told me that my body is a temple and that I am to defend it.

No more guilt. No more frustration. No more living the lie. It's time to fight for me.